I have felt absolutely terrible this whole week. Partly because I have been physically thrashed by ear infections but also life in general seems to be so complicated. Nothing ever seems easy. I never know how to put it, but i'm always okay, most often really good, and only very rarely bad. Right now its hovering between the bad and okay part. I wish I could word that better. I always seem to get stuck on the whole relationships and girls thing. I always tell myself "Your a nice guy, things will work out just dandy for you. No rush. Don't worry about it." Minus the 'dandy' part. I never say the word dandy. My girl situation at the moment is the main reason I am feeling a little low. I honestly don't mind being single, sometimes I just feel it would be nice being in a relationship with someone, just for the sake of being with someone. But for the most part I don't let it get to me, except today. And its easy to say just wait and you'll find the perfect girl, but that doesn't make the immediate future any better. It's not even that, I just let it eat me up. Its kinda like the tide of the ocean, on days like these I tend to ebb and flow with highs and lows. Today I talked to the girl about stuff and she tried to make me feel guilty about everything, maybe it was her way to take some of her own problems and put them on me. I felt kind of ashamed about myself for letting myself getting into a shit situation. But at the same time I was pissed because I felt she was being so unfair to me about things, trying to make me look like the bad guy of everything. Relationships and love and highschool are three things that must be polar opposites. The truth is there are no simple answers about anything at all. It all comes down to really knowing yourself.. The more you know about yourself, the easier it is to understand other people. I feel so lucky to have the friends I do. My family is such a constant in my life, that I often undervalue. My mum has so much unconditional love for me (so does my dad). My sister is a remarkable person. My dad seems to understand things well, and he always seems to have words to say what he feels. Unrelatedly, his newfound love of Jay Z is cracking me up. He seems to be always listening to him, with headphones or on his computer, bopping his head like a true ghetto man child. I feel a lot better than I did earlier. Letting out mythoughts, even as badly as I did in this blog and to some of my close friends, helps. The more I think about it, I love life. I love when it's unclear and difficult like this. I'm glad everything isn't easy. I love the unpredictability. The emotion. The friendships. Everyone has the same struggles which is comforting, but also makes me feel closer to every human being out there.
Westfall by Okkervil River.( thanks for the musical recommendation for tonight emglick- it was perfect)