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just a collection of my pics
All afternoon I have been listening to Lupe. School is a joke mostly, which is good and bad I guess. When you are a senior there are no older kids to secretly stalk, and so its far less interesting. Also there is something suffocating about high school when college is a short year away. On another note I'm sick of some people, which only makes me appreciate my closest friends even more.
I am content. For the past 3 or so weeks I have been listening to Arcade Fire nonstop, mainly their new album. It is so satisfying driving in my car at night listening to Ready to Start or Rococo or Suburban War or anything really. Over the past few days I have been visiting schools (Clark and UMass) and it has been so exciting. I really think college will be good to me. Having said that, I have never been so eager to go back to school. Senior year is going to be just swell.
I am in a very odd mood, one that is difficult to describe. I feel sort of like my life has become a film and I am just being pulled along by strings, almost floating. Since coming back from Europe I feel impervious to things that usually bug me, partly because I just ignore people half the time these days. This blog is really bad and cryptic but I just felt the urge to write some thoughts done..and failed. oh well, I tried.
Anyhow I am less pleased to be back from Europe than I thought I would be, and wish that I could recycle some of my friends, as harsh as that sounds. I am just sick of quite a few people. This summer has been strange, and I feel that I don't really know how to express it. But enough of that. I am actually excited at the prospect of school, working again, seeing shows and just getting away from some bizarreness of this summer.
hello blogblog. I haven't blogged in forever and I think that maybe I should change that. Lately I have been irrationally frustrated at various things which are boring and very highschool-esque. I just find myself getting sick of people. I need to get out of here for a bit.
Today was strange. I crashed my car and had the best evening I have had all summer. I was just backing out of a driveway and somehow I fucked up and just went backwards. It all happened so fast and it was humiliating and terrifying. I keep getting flashes of the loud bang followed by the realization that I had hit a tree. It was awful, and the back light was all screwed up and the car wouldn't change gears. I felt so shitty about it, in part because it was in a driveway and also because I don't understand how I did it. Anyway no point dwelling on it. Its going to cost a lot, but I hate cars. I want to bike all the time now, honestly, I forgot how fun biking is.
I tried not to dwell on my crash but I was pretty down on myself. This afternoon/evening was damn near perfect. Sitting on my roof and feeling the fresh breeze was soothing, and the rest of the night was how summer should be.
I can't place it. It has been a good start to summer, so action packed already. I can't quite pinpoint how I am feeling. I just have this need to blog right now, but I don't know what I am trying to say. I am happy its summer though!
At the dentists office today they shot me up with anesthetics and every time I blinked my head did the strangest thing. It became hyper aware and replayed minute details over and over in short rapid bursts. It was odd and slightly frightening. Anyhow all I could think of is how my great grandma didn't have a cavity until she was 94. Why the fuck am I talking about teeth? Who knows.
Two more days of march (and by extension, winter). I have not blogged recently because my life has been sort of uneventful, yet alright. Nothing much has happened the past month, which makes it feel a bit dull. I can't wait for spring, and I love when things work out better than you expect.
Rain is good to me. Today I took the SATs at Fitchburg. It was strange not talking to anyone for 7 hours. My prompter was this Latino guy called Anthony who had gang tattoos and a lip ring, who read a book called Super Poker the whole time. The tests were long and arduous, just getting used to the timing is tough. But thats done for now which is nice. I had a fun day with friends today. It's amazing how all of a sudden things seem to be going swell.
It's March and I feel increasingly disconnected. I just find that I never act myself this time of the year, like I have some sort of mental block as winter drags on. I feel weighed down and frustrated about a lot of things: school, friends, girls and I know half of it is just myself over-thinking things, which makes it even more aggravating. I'm doing fine, but it sometimes feels like a grind and I just need for winter to end. I really want to walk outside again with shorts, or just to be more carefree. I feel this wrenching feeling in my stomach thinking of how bad I want spring and the change it brings.
Winter is really balls. It feels like a trap and if it snows one more time...I might have to go on a murderous rampage. Anywhow, like the weather my mood fluctuates, and some days like today are good and others are just 'going through the motions' shitty. It's hard to feel as excited about things, especially in school.
Today at work there was a new bird in the bird cage! Since last year there has been one lonely little white bird in a cage. Seeing it finally joined by a companion gave me a surge of energy for some reason. This blog is a trainwreck but I don't really mind.
Bro time today playing with photoshop was almost too fun. Spontanenoussness is all the gets me through November-April. Song of the Day- Beat Boy by Die Antwoord!!!!
It's funny. Whenever I go out on a walk I usually bring my camera. About half an hour ago I drove over to the sanctuary without it, and of course missed out on what could have been the best photograph, but it doesn't even matter.
I just needed to get out of the house, and the feeling of going somewhere by myself in my car makes me feel limitless, and instantly refreshed. Since I have gotten my license, I have gone to the sanctuary pretty much everyday, and it does wonders for my mental health.
At the sanctuary I parked and looked out onto the dull and dark marsh and decided to instead walk up towards the woods, rather than the barren and frozen swamp below me. At the sanctuary there is a huge field with trees at all sides. During the summer its covered in wild milkweed plants, but in the winter remains cold, in every sense of the word. To get to this field you have to pass through an archway of pine trees, and as I reached these trees I noticed seven deer, poised and alert at my arrival. Anyhow, I walked closer towards them and they froze still. It was one of the most dramatic moments, with the wind biting at my exposed face and running through the branches of trees. I must have stood there for about five minutes, just watching. The grey clouds looked straight out of a film, and it was one of those moments when you feel alive. I ran back to my car, winded, and drove home. In those five minutes I felt more than I have the past few weeks, and it made an otherwise shitty Valentines Day just fine.
Kettering by the Antlers. I have listened to them nonstop for three days.
Well I just had this burning desire to blog. Not like a hugely and intensely personal blog, just put down some random thoughts down on here. Blogger is wack, I don't like it and was going to quit this thing, and then I remembered how important this was to me a while ago. So basically I have resolved to not give a fuck about it, and do this to enjoy it. I don't care what I write or how it will be perceived. This is mine.
I am not going to describe anything of the past few weeks, I can't at the moment. But the past few days have been solid. It's one of those feelings were things are swinging up, and Humanities Scholars trips never fail to make me laugh. Long story short: Things are okay.
I am working on my February mix, and for once I am looking forward to winter carnival.
This is the best day I have had for a while. I passed my license test, and didn't fail my math midterm! I couldn't be that much happier. I feel so free of stress. I could have gotten my license ten months ago, but now that I have it its so relieving.
EDIT: All of my heart goes out to my friend, and her family who have always been some of the nicest and most welcoming people I know. Power Positive.
Yo tengo a mental block against blogging. This weekend started off extremely shittily, and gradually improved, to become a good one. After getting branded with a big "Rejection" on my license test I was so frustrated that I wished I had failed it. Not being able to take the test because I didn't a have front license plate was crushing, considering I've put it off like a year. Then Saturday I just felt like everything was snowballing and becoming terrible, and after wallowing in self-pity for a while, I had the best night I have had for a while. Going to dinner with elaina and jacqui was marvelously fun, filled with so many laughs and just general happiness. Sometimes I worry that my own happiness is tied to friendships, something which is natural, but can often be difficult. At the same time, when I am alone or lonely, it usually just takes a song or reading part of a good book to change my mindset. I like the fact that I am independent and I can usually lift my spirits just by myself, while friends are invaluable, and often speed the process up.
On a musical note, Vampire Weekend's Contra is one of my favorite albums ever. I have probably listened to it six full times this weekend. I had heard most of its songs months ago, but I hear so many new and refreshing aspects every time I listen to it. Its also so damn pleasing to the good old ears. It molds to how I am feeling, which is the best thing about music.
Run
Giving Up The Gun
I am often frustrated on Sundays, but today was the opposite. After a long sleep, having a lazy family breakfast was a very happy time. Like if it was a movie, it would be the part where everyone is laughing and there's a certain warmth floating in the air. Later I went driving with my dad. Car rides with my dad are when I get to talk to him the most. This blog is dull today but if there is one thing I wanted write at the beginning is that my family is a good one.
It's my 100th post. wow wow.
It's nice to be finally doing well, and not dreading getting tests back. For some peculiar reason, I was unable to sleep last night until three a.m. By some strange luck I had no homework today, for the first time in a while. This allowed me to work on my mix cd. Basically I am making this killer mix of new/relatively unheard songs for my own enjoyment and to share with mi amigos. Holla if you want one.
I have so many tunes in my head its hard to pick one.
John and Yoko feat Yelle by Kennedy.
p.s. fuck tumblr. OH and these pictures aren't mine, they are from a site called feaverish photography that I find inspiring.
I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. I like the idea of a clean slate, but in many ways why should we limit fresh starts solely to one day. I guess the cynical side of me doesn't understand the big fuss over January 1st. I am not about to write down some whimsical resolutions that I know will never happen.
I still don’t quite believe that it is a new decade. I don’t know how to/how I feel about the close of the years that saw me go from a child to a teenager. It almost feels bittersweet, but at the same time I think this next decade will be the best of my life, or at least I hope so.
I am struggling to put words to the vast array of memories floating in my head. Trying to condense ten years into one blog post can’t be done, and I really don’t know where the years have gone. I feel that it wasn’t too long ago that I was 2004 and I was 12 years old. Holy shit. I am going to be eighteen this year. For me 2010 will be marked by changes. Not like anything drastic, but the end of the 00’s sort of coincides with me beginning a new phase of my life. That scares me but is also thrilling.
I wrote this whole post in Microsoft Word because somehow I can no longer express myself at all typing on blogspot. It's strange, but I just don’t feel the same way about blogging on here as I used to. I guess blogging has changed a lot since I started last summer. I will continue to blog, but also I am starting a new blog j03y.tumblr.com, because it’s less concrete and easier for me.
My Decade:
Ten years ago I was in Princeton celebrating the new millennium, never thinking that I would one day move up here. On new years eve we walked out onto Echo Lake. There was the clearest ice, and I remember sliding along looking down through the glass-like ice at the hibernating newts in the water, illuminated by the moon. It was an exciting time. Back in D.C. I was at Sligo Creek Elementary School, busy learning French. My childhood in D.C. was happy. I remember the most obscure details like: the annual storm of cicadas, those hot summer days when you knew it was going to rain even before the stormclouds arrived, protests, the smell of the leather metro seats, Mme Thompson and everything that so strongly contrasts my life up here. In these northern lands I have built a lot of strong relationships and am glad we moved up. I miss my grandmothers. No more trips to Florida every February to visit Grandma. Her house always had that same smell and we always stuck notes under her door to wake her up and play cards, everyday religiously at 7am. Across the ocean, I can see Granny humming gently, on a family walk. She had this look in her eyes that expressed such compassion. No, compassion isn’t the word, but she always brings back memories of England, basically a second home to me. I think the best parts of growing up were often there. Sitting at smoky pubs, walking in wellington boots to pick blackberries and wars with the local kid, which all the cousins vigorously took part in. Hello, Goodbye by the Beatles would be one of my songs of the decade. Granted its from the 1960s but the Beatles have been integral in my music taste, and so many moments in my life seem to have them playing in the background. How have I gone this long without mentioning Harry Potter. From that one day in Portugal where my dad began to read the words “The Dursleys of Number Four, Privet Drive..” up until July 21 in 2007, one of the most memorable nights of my life, where I queued for hours at midnight among millions of others in London to get my hands on a copy, the series made me like reading. But back to the here and the now. If there was one ‘faux resolution’ to have it would be to get a girlfriend one of these days but there is no rush. I am comfortable with myself and happy being me. Some days I just want to live like Alexander Supertramp. And that’s what I try to do, minus the moving to Alaska and burning my possessions. One thing I would change is that I never really show my family how much I appreciate, as I could. My friends have been one of the brightest parts of my life and I look forward to improving friendships as well as making new ones. May the next decade be filled with new experiences, traveling, and joy.
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